probe in the arse of sydney

I am moving to Sydney in five days (FIVE DAYS!) after 18 years in Tauranga and five years in Dunedin. I am going to be honest and confess something right now. I am an immunologist. A scientist in one of its geekiest forms. I study the workings of the immune system. In some experiments I use probes to detect protein markers, which we will call 'stuff'.In this experiment I am the probe, delving into the crowded but (I hear) beautiful bowels of Sydney, Australia to bring you the dirt - a metaphorical colonic irrigation of sorts you might say. But you probably shouldn't.Accompanying me will be my trusty sidekick, Hayley, whose reputation of filth and depravity precedes her I'm sure. Hayley is a ginger and thus, has no soul. It's a defect she has had since birth but, to her credit, she manages it very well. Sometimes she even let's me call her Fire-Crotch. Other times she beats me with kitchen utensils. I still bear the scars from our first year of flatting together. Nonetheless, her presence is critical to my 12-month experiment, if only for the handicapped parking spaces.