Archive for the 'Australian Jokes' Category

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How To Get Great Service In Australia

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all.  I cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don’t try it at McDonald’s or Hungry Jack’s though…..

The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!…

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Santa In Australia

Santa Claus delivers all over the world. However, when he comes to the land down under, his strategy changes a little to accommodate local requirements!

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U.N. Survey

Last month, an important a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The U.N. Survey was a HUGE failure because of the following: Continue reading ‘U.N. Survey’

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Rudd health care proposals

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the previous Rudd health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p#ssed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to all the ####holes in Canberra.

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Rudd Gets The Red Card

Every once in a while there’s proof that people have a voice in government. I have to admit it all happened quickly and decisively. Let’s wish Julia Gillard the best of luck and success. Her challenge will be to become the first ELECTED female Prime Minister of Australia. A similar situation occurred in Canada with Kim Campbell in 1993, her fate was more or less decided on day one. Julia’s destiny is for her to determine and for us to decide.

Kevin Rudd Red Card

Kevin Rudd Red Card

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The Australian Economy Explained

How our economy works:

It’s a slow day in Gulargumbone ( small place in Australia)

The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit…..

On this particular day a rich tourist from Sydney is driving through town.

He stops at the motel and lays a $100 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the

hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich Traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with optimism.

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New Airport Security And Airline Check-In Procedures

According to The Flying Book, 99.5% of all bags make it to their destination with their owners. Only 4.55 bags out of 1,000 are ‘lost’. Of the ones that are ‘lost’, 80% are retrieved within 24 hours, 99% within 5 days. The rest well… who knows!

Attention Australian passengers traveling to the United States: There are new airport security check-in procedures to consider.

There are two photos for this blog post… First this one:

New Body Scan Technology

New Body Scan Technology

This next photo was taken recently outside an international airport recently.

Continue reading ‘New Airport Security And Airline Check-In Procedures’

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ATO Joke

ATO = Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Ralph and summons him to the ATO head office.

The ATO auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditors says, “Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ” Okay, Go ahead”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures, and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness.  He start to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?’ Ralph asks.  “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.  But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an ATO official’s desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

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Aussie State Slogans

I came across this list that I thought was hilarious… Anyone got any ideas for the Aussie States?!?!?

United State Slogans

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Wow….. you’re in Delaware

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 50 Million Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Slogan

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a F$%&in’ Motto? I Got Yer F$%&in’ Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um… We’ve got… Um… Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!!

Ohio: Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: A Great, Big Flat State

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

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Aussie Style One-Up-Manship

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’ The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia…

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’ The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

man-chewing-gumThe Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!!!

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Australian, Canadian Versus American Police

How can you tell the difference between Canadian, Australian, and American Police?

Pose the following question:

“You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking  man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks  eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before  he reaches you and your  family.”

What do you do?

Continue reading ‘Australian, Canadian Versus American Police’

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Maroochydore School Voicemail Message

I just realised I didn’t link to a previous blog post I published on a hilarious Maroochydore School Voicemail Message on my Get The Best Grades With The Least Amount Of Effort Blog, so here it is – enjoy. I guarantee you’ll forward it on to at least one friend. It’s THAT FUNNY!

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More Aussie Jokes

A lot of people have mentioned they are really enjoying the Aussie jokes from time to time – if you come across a laugh-out-loud Aussie joke, please pass it on and I’l publish it on this blog that is dedicated to Australian Blogs. These are from BBM Magazine.

Q: What’s the second most Googled word on the Internet?
A: Pron.
Vinny, Surry Hills

• My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
Mike, Darlinghurst

• I started hanging out with this American the other day… not by choice though, I got pulled into his orbit.
Ian, Coogee

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Wine or Water?

Today’s post is for those who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t. It was sent to me by Gavin Buckett, the Gourmet Guardian.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the 20th year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria  found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop       Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I’m doing it as a public service.

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Australian Emoticons

Today’s post is from Gavin Bukett, the Gourmet Guardian. We all know those cute little computer symbols called ‘emoticons,’ where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some ‘Aussicons?’

Continue reading ‘Australian Emoticons’

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Australian Jokes

Questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and – obviously – the answers came from fellow Aussies. Trust me, you’ll laugh out so you’d better not be reading this at work!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: And your last slave died of……..?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Continue reading ‘Australian Jokes’

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24 Aussie Commandments

  1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
  2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
  3. Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
  4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
  5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
  6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
  7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
  8. All our best heroes are losers.
  9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
  10. It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
  11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
  12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.
  13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or mateship”. Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
  14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
  15. If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.
  16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
  17. It’s considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
  18. The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.
  19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. (Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it).
  20. If there’s any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.
  21. The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you’re not trying.
  22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what back yards are for.
  23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
  24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the
    food behind.
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Australian Government Joke

Please do not click through if you are offended by four letter words – this was just too funny not to pass on…

Continue reading ‘Australian Government Joke’

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