Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia and David Cameron, her British counterpart, are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into
the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Julia goes first. “What will Australia be like in 100 years time”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives her a printout, she reads it out

“The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he’s just staring at it.

“Come on David” says Julia, “What does it say”

David replies, “I’m buggered if I know, it’s all in Mandarin”

Joke supplied by Patricia Murray of Positive Life Coaching

Thematic Australian Map

The following were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold) for cretins!

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (  UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Julia Gillard.

The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren’t sticking.

Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released.

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings -

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

I teach clients presentation skills in a variety of programs and events. I often explain that it’s best to tell it like it is… But this example takes the cake.

Major General Peter Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds……..

These questions are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have am Aussie sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Petrol prices got you down? Maybe this gauge would be more appropriate! I don’t think it’ll make you feel better, but at least it’s more accurate!

This one’s a little silly, but it is so funny… Enjoy it compliments of  Gavin Altus, Executive Manager Development at Engineering Education Australia. Gavin’s a very serious guy, but he also has a great sense of humour. I agree this one’s on the silly side, but original enough to share!

Easter Bunnies

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all.  I cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don’t try it at McDonald’s or Hungry Jack’s though…..

The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!…

Santa Claus delivers all over the world. However, when he comes to the land down under, his strategy changes a little to accommodate local requirements!

Last month, an important a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The U.N. Survey was a HUGE failure because of the following: Read More »»

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the previous Rudd health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p#ssed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to all the ####holes in Canberra.

Every once in a while there’s proof that people have a voice in government. I have to admit it all happened quickly and decisively. Let’s wish Julia Gillard the best of luck and success. Her challenge will be to become the first ELECTED female Prime Minister of Australia. A similar situation occurred in Canada with Kim Campbell in 1993, her fate was more or less decided on day one. Julia’s destiny is for her to determine and for us to decide.

Kevin Rudd Red Card

How our economy works:

It’s a slow day in Gulargumbone ( small place in Australia)

The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit…..

On this particular day a rich tourist from Sydney is driving through town.

He stops at the motel and lays a $100 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the

hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich Traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with optimism.

According to The Flying Book, 99.5% of all bags make it to their destination with their owners. Only 4.55 bags out of 1,000 are ‘lost’. Of the ones that are ‘lost’, 80% are retrieved within 24 hours, 99% within 5 days. The rest well… who knows!

Attention Australian passengers traveling to the United States: There are new airport security check-in procedures to consider.

There are two photos for this blog post… First this one:

New Body Scan Technology

This next photo was taken recently outside an international airport recently.

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ATO = Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Ralph and summons him to the ATO head office.

The ATO auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditors says, “Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ” Okay, Go ahead”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures, and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness.  He start to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?’ Ralph asks.  “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.  But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an ATO official’s desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

I came across this list that I thought was hilarious… Anyone got any ideas for the Aussie States?!?!?

United State Slogans

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Wow….. you’re in Delaware

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 50 Million Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Slogan

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a F$%&in’ Motto? I Got Yer F$%&in’ Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um… We’ve got… Um… Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!!

Ohio: Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: A Great, Big Flat State

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’ The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia…

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’ The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!!!

How can you tell the difference between Canadian, Australian, and American Police?

Pose the following question:

“You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking  man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks  eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before  he reaches you and your  family.”

What do you do?

Read More »»

I just realised I didn’t link to a previous blog post I published on a hilarious Maroochydore School Voicemail Message on my Get The Best Grades With The Least Amount Of Effort Blog, so here it is – enjoy. I guarantee you’ll forward it on to at least one friend. It’s THAT FUNNY!

A lot of people have mentioned they are really enjoying the Aussie jokes from time to time – if you come across a laugh-out-loud Aussie joke, please pass it on and I’l publish it on this blog that is dedicated to Australian Blogs. These are from BBM Magazine.

Q: What’s the second most Googled word on the Internet?
A: Pron.
Vinny, Surry Hills

• My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
Mike, Darlinghurst

• I started hanging out with this American the other day… not by choice though, I got pulled into his orbit.
Ian, Coogee