You have been forewarned!
Archive for the 'Australian Jokes' Category
Here are my picks for my top 10 blog posts of 2014.
- There is nothing more powerful than 20/20 Foresight to know what’s coming in 2015…
- This is my favourite YouTube video of the year – brilliant – Word Crimes are committed by too many people’s.
- Antimimeticisomorphism is easier said than done – this example is priceless – poo pourri.
- The privacy pirates are still at it in 2014, maybe this guy’s one step ahead of them with his amazing mind reading skills!
- We all love our iPads… Who knew they are this versatile and useful?
- A metaphor can be the difference life and death, success or failure. This is one of my all-time favourites.
- This cute video says a lot about teamwork – Together Everyone Achieves More.
- Looks do matter – even if you’re a shark.
- I hope your calendar doesn’t look this this! Notice the caribou? Another great metaphor!
- Somethings are better left unsaid.
Bonus Blog Posts:
Enjoy the best of 2014 and may 2015 bring you all the wealth, health and happiness you deserve!
Click on the map image below for the original source of the image where lots of other great maps can be found.
BUNNINGS JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny….
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
$150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
You’d think computer lingo would be universal, but it isn’t..
Australian Computer Meanings
Log On……Make the barbie hotter
Log Off……Don’t add any more wood
Monitor……Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download……Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc……What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Window……What you shut when it’s cold
Screen……What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte……What mozzies do
Bit……What mozzies did
Mega Byte……What Townsville mozzies do
Chip……A bar snack
Micro Chip……What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem……What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix……Old Dan Matrix’s wife
Laptop……Where the cat sleeps
Software……Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware……Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse……What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe……What holds the shed up
Web……What spiders make
Web Site……The shed or under the verandah
Cursor……The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine……What you do when the ute won’t go
Upgrade……A steep hill
Server……The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server……The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User……The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network……When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet……Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape……When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online……When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line……When the pegs don’t hold the washing up
This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign and Trade) Immigration Minister. The government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!
Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997,
and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.
It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely f……… astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!…
S_ _ _! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide??
I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bulls_ _ _ !
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f……… address!!
What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal a_ _ _ holes working there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture… Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a s_ _ _ whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f………. copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
Nooooo.. that ‘d be too f…….. easy and makes far too much sense.
You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f……… heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo…. the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! …. you f………. morons.
Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in
this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security
clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL… and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am; You know… someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F……PAKISTAN !!!….. a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the “right sort of government”.
You are all f………g idiots!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, the Bulletin, in Queensland, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Townsville, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f–k all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”
Just makes you bloody proud to be an Aussie!
Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia and David Cameron, her British counterpart, are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Julia goes first. “What will Australia be like in 100 years time”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives her a printout, she reads it out
“The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
David thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he’s just staring at it.
“Come on David” says Julia, “What does it say”
David replies, “I’m buggered if I know, it’s all in Mandarin”
Joke supplied by Patricia Murray of Positive Life Coaching
The following were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold) for cretins!
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________ Continue reading ‘New Australia Map’
The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren’t sticking.
Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released.
The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings -
- The stamp is in perfect order.
- There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
- People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
Major General Peter Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds……..
These questions are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have am Aussie sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Petrol prices got you down? Maybe this gauge would be more appropriate! I don’t think it’ll make you feel better, but at least it’s more accurate!
This one’s a little silly, but it is so funny… Enjoy it compliments of Gavin Altus, Executive Manager Development at Engineering Education Australia. Gavin’s a very serious guy, but he also has a great sense of humour. I agree this one’s on the silly side, but original enough to share!
The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. I cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.
At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don’t try it at McDonald’s or Hungry Jack’s though…..
The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!…
Santa Claus delivers all over the world. However, when he comes to the land down under, his strategy changes a little to accommodate local requirements!
Last month, an important a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”